Unbelievably we're closing out June, which means that this blog is having its eight-year anniversary! That's an unbelievable stat and what better way to celebrate than this unbelievable list of magnificent summer jams coming at ya! I truly can't believe it. Do we even exist? Do I exist...I gotta lie down.
Hot Jam of the Week: "Batman" by Jaden Smith
Okay, so this song is awful, the video is awful, and Jaden Smith can't really do anything as an artist, but hahaha look at this thing. Why does this exist? I'm so lost. This is a wonderful exercise in privileged excess, an artistic movement that never lands and never works. This is terrible. Soak it up. Don't worry, no one will ever listen to this and it is a total waste of a Hot Jam. It also totally rips of "Panda"! Hot Jamz!
Gym Crushes: "Bad Liar" by Selena Gomez
Speaking of insane music videos..."Bad Liar" wasn't totally as notable this week, but we still need a refresher on seeing Selena Gomez in male drag hitting on herself. How can you go a week without that? "Bad Liar" has certainly cemented itself a position in Summer Jam-ness by now, but I'm curious about the fickle nature of this list with her rapid rises and falls if she'll be able to hang on - or if it even matters if she doesn't.
Singin' 'Cross Da World: "There's Nothing Holding Me Back" by Shawn Mendes
I have no real strong positive feelings towards this track, it's on here purely because buzz and trending-ness are getting pretty high. I don't even know who Shawn Mendes is, he sounds like every Ed Sheeran / Harry Styles wannabe single white singer dude out there. But this is a song that exists, and that's apparently good enough to be a Summer Jam. Maybe it'll keep crawling up from here.
Mankind: "Human" by Rag'n'Bone Man
I actually really dig this song - it's been in my head for two weeks, although I sing it totally exaggerated in a bad Eddie Vedder impression. "AAHMM UNLY UUUMAN AFTA AWWWWW DONT PUT YA BLAM ON MUHHH" That's art, baby. As far as rock songs go, I'm down with most any non-Imagine Dragons songs there are (unless they drop a killer Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) track!), so this is cool. This has been around longer than I gave it credit for and could have a nice little run here.
Melodrama: "Perfect Places" by Lorde
I feel like I didn't even notice Lorde's three-year absence. That's probably because we had Randy Marsh in the intervening years. Melodrama is changing lives, though, and there's been a strong upsurge in all Lorde songs on the radio lately, because they're all so damn good. This is a more mature Lorde (sure, at like, age 20). This probably isn't as hook-y as "Royals" or as biting as "Tennis Court" but it's got a solid rhythm. Summer of Lorde? More like Summer of Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor! That's a worse real name than Calvin Broadus.
Julia #3: "Issues" by Julia Michaels
I probably need to get off it, but I'm so into Julia Michaels right now. "Uh-Huh" is still out there and needs a video to drop soon to be really potent, but for now we got the #1 song of the Week here, and as someone who has stood strong as Selena, Katy, and KYLE have faded or diminished, is presenting the best case for Summer Jam Queen right now. My system is clearly totally flawed, though - does "Issues" REALLY feel like the immortal jam of 2017? We do have 10 more weeks, but for now, it's in the lead.
Potporri: "Sign of the Times" by Harry Styles
Keeping our music video analysis theme this week, I wanted to really get into Harry's Superman-around-Scotland thing he's got going on here. It's actually an incredibly understated and somewhat beautiful video that's definitely gone underrated, probably because it's fucking Harry Styles. I'll reiterate that I know nothing about Styles beyond this video, so I'm pretty down with it. Amazing what unbiased attitudes does to us. Hence, Jaden Smith.
Summer Spanish Jam: "Despacito" by Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee
This is the only collabo on the List this week, which is an astonding achievement. Maybe songs are sucking less? Well, I didn't feature any DJ Khaled, even if he did feature Rihanna. But this crawled up the pop culture consciousness this week, even if damn, this song really is total Spanish. Dat beat tho.
Next week...
I always wonder if Katy is dead or not. Not much from "Swish Swish" this week. There were a couple other hot jams dropped, including another inexplicable TLC song, which seems like they keep trying to make happen. I was close to adding a few other crappy songs like Coldplay or Imagine Dragons but whatever. There's also a Justin Bieber "Despacito" which is maybe a thing? I don't know. I'll investigate this shit.
Hot Jam of the Week: "Batman" by Jaden Smith
Okay, so this song is awful, the video is awful, and Jaden Smith can't really do anything as an artist, but hahaha look at this thing. Why does this exist? I'm so lost. This is a wonderful exercise in privileged excess, an artistic movement that never lands and never works. This is terrible. Soak it up. Don't worry, no one will ever listen to this and it is a total waste of a Hot Jam. It also totally rips of "Panda"! Hot Jamz!
Gym Crushes: "Bad Liar" by Selena Gomez
Speaking of insane music videos..."Bad Liar" wasn't totally as notable this week, but we still need a refresher on seeing Selena Gomez in male drag hitting on herself. How can you go a week without that? "Bad Liar" has certainly cemented itself a position in Summer Jam-ness by now, but I'm curious about the fickle nature of this list with her rapid rises and falls if she'll be able to hang on - or if it even matters if she doesn't.
Singin' 'Cross Da World: "There's Nothing Holding Me Back" by Shawn Mendes
I have no real strong positive feelings towards this track, it's on here purely because buzz and trending-ness are getting pretty high. I don't even know who Shawn Mendes is, he sounds like every Ed Sheeran / Harry Styles wannabe single white singer dude out there. But this is a song that exists, and that's apparently good enough to be a Summer Jam. Maybe it'll keep crawling up from here.
Mankind: "Human" by Rag'n'Bone Man
I actually really dig this song - it's been in my head for two weeks, although I sing it totally exaggerated in a bad Eddie Vedder impression. "AAHMM UNLY UUUMAN AFTA AWWWWW DONT PUT YA BLAM ON MUHHH" That's art, baby. As far as rock songs go, I'm down with most any non-Imagine Dragons songs there are (unless they drop a killer Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) track!), so this is cool. This has been around longer than I gave it credit for and could have a nice little run here.
Melodrama: "Perfect Places" by Lorde
I feel like I didn't even notice Lorde's three-year absence. That's probably because we had Randy Marsh in the intervening years. Melodrama is changing lives, though, and there's been a strong upsurge in all Lorde songs on the radio lately, because they're all so damn good. This is a more mature Lorde (sure, at like, age 20). This probably isn't as hook-y as "Royals" or as biting as "Tennis Court" but it's got a solid rhythm. Summer of Lorde? More like Summer of Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor! That's a worse real name than Calvin Broadus.
Julia #3: "Issues" by Julia Michaels
I probably need to get off it, but I'm so into Julia Michaels right now. "Uh-Huh" is still out there and needs a video to drop soon to be really potent, but for now we got the #1 song of the Week here, and as someone who has stood strong as Selena, Katy, and KYLE have faded or diminished, is presenting the best case for Summer Jam Queen right now. My system is clearly totally flawed, though - does "Issues" REALLY feel like the immortal jam of 2017? We do have 10 more weeks, but for now, it's in the lead.
Potporri: "Sign of the Times" by Harry Styles
Keeping our music video analysis theme this week, I wanted to really get into Harry's Superman-around-Scotland thing he's got going on here. It's actually an incredibly understated and somewhat beautiful video that's definitely gone underrated, probably because it's fucking Harry Styles. I'll reiterate that I know nothing about Styles beyond this video, so I'm pretty down with it. Amazing what unbiased attitudes does to us. Hence, Jaden Smith.
Summer Spanish Jam: "Despacito" by Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee
This is the only collabo on the List this week, which is an astonding achievement. Maybe songs are sucking less? Well, I didn't feature any DJ Khaled, even if he did feature Rihanna. But this crawled up the pop culture consciousness this week, even if damn, this song really is total Spanish. Dat beat tho.
Next week...
I always wonder if Katy is dead or not. Not much from "Swish Swish" this week. There were a couple other hot jams dropped, including another inexplicable TLC song, which seems like they keep trying to make happen. I was close to adding a few other crappy songs like Coldplay or Imagine Dragons but whatever. There's also a Justin Bieber "Despacito" which is maybe a thing? I don't know. I'll investigate this shit.
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