It's Come Down to This: The Necessary Post Addressing Twilight

I tried avoiding this for a long time. But it must be addressed.

Today let's talk about Twilight.

Now, right off the bat you dear readers should know that I've never seen a Twilight Film, read a book or even drank out of one of their special cups at Burger King. Yet I can name all the principal characters, actors and piece together the plot mostly from commercials and sugar packets. What a culture. Anyway, I feel like covering it, maybe just briefly here (relatively), mostly due to guilt over reading this article. I'm always honest with you, dear readers.

Twilight's really actually pretty interesting, from what I gather the story is actually kind of ok, but the movies basically forgo all that in favour of catering to 12-year old girls. It's hard for 23-year old guys to understand that demographic, but ultimately you can imagine how pissed all those little girls must have been when the rest of the internet was buzzing about The Dark Knight (2008), Watchmen (2009)or countless other fanboy-phenoms (maybe not, they probably didn't care too much). Unfortunately, our demographic has had the spotlight for a real long time, it's not necessarily a bad thing for a new group of interested culture-obsessed idiots to undyingly follow a poorly run franchise. I do have a few issues with the whole shebang, though, so if you came for the real Twilight bashing here it goes, just know that I think it is a perfectly legitimate franchise if you are in fact, an imbecilic 12-year old girl. Start by watching this scene carefully:



That was from the South Park episode "The Ring" (S13;E1), an episode I didn't think too much of during its first airing but after merging deeper into the tweenie obsessive culture, it rings remarkably true. Replace "Jonas Brothers" from the clip with "Twilight," Mickey Mouse with Summit Entertainment, and purity rings with...I don't know, pensive hugging and the effect is identical. Twilight works by selling sex to little girls. Which is kind of fucked up and my main legitimate problem with it.

Vampires have always been about sex. That's really it. All the classical monsters usually had something behind them- Werewolves satisfied latent animalistic urges, Frankenstein was man's quest to become God, Dracula is always sex. Whereas werewolves kill you violently and savagely, vampires are crafty, luring and seducing young women to their pads and sucking on their necks, exchanging vital bodily fluids which ultimately lock the woman into servitude. Sounds almost like the plot of Knocked Up (2007), really. That might be a stretch, but hopefully you get the idea. The underlying theme behind most vampire stories is sex. Boo yah.

Twilight is no different. You've got the immortally uber-hottie Robbie Pattinson brooding over ratlike Kristen Stewart while uber-machismo werewolve Ty Lautner sulks and rapes when he's ready. It's pretty basic stuff, constant wish fulfillment for the ratlike teenage girl fans to gush over being taken away and boned by a swarthy little vampire. It's like the reverse of what happens to insecure 40-year old men watching 300 (2007).

Anyway, that's about all I have ever to say about Twilight. Unless they pull a Michael Bay and win the Academy Award for the 3rd installment, Twilight: Bonestorm (2010). In the meantime, get your necks clean and keep watching the skies!